The Space Between (Navigating Stage Fright in the Music Industry)

Preface - I'd forgotten I'd written this blog, or that my strapline was different to what it is now. Written in the time before the time we're in now where our world has changed in such huge ways. I know my intention was to '...visualise my dream, and put it into a permanent form...' to quote Queensryche lyrics; writing my dream into reality. Taking a leap of faith, I'd made my way to the UK a few months earlier, with loose plans and a dream, I'd begun to lay some groundwork. Of course a few months later, the world stopped, for everyone, everywhere.

The London Eye - So beautiful at night

Originally Posted 31st October 2019 as "The Space Between" by Michelle Ann PerAsperaAdAstra214

taking care of reality while pursuing the dream

When I was a little girl, my heart's dream was to be a ballerina. I was madly in love with the sights and sounds of dance. The poetry in motion of a dancer's body, and the undeniable power of it, while also being so incredibly graceful. I studied dance for many years, and was, my teacher said, quite good. It came to me naturally. And when I got my first toe shoes, it was heaven on earth. Hurt like a bitch, but, heaven on earth none-the -less! I took lessons from age 4 until ... sometime around age 14 or 15, changes happened, officially putting an end to that dream. Truth be told, I never did have a classical ballerina's body. I don't have long legs, I don't have a long neck. It was never REALLY in the cards for me, which I was mostly OK with, as I understand the why of a dancer's physique.

If ballet was my first love, music was always a VERY close second. Singing, in particular, although I've to this day got massive stage fright. I remember when I was quite young, maybe 6 or so, wanting to sing a song, "Mother of Mine" to an aunt when we went to visit, and I'd been preparing to do so, but chickened out at the last minute. I don't know why, but I remember it so clearly. But I digress, after prima ballerina dreams went up in the smoke of a non-dancers body, my next dream was to sing.

I was raised with music all around me. We were woken on Sunday morning to the sound of Pavarotti's amazingness. (Not remotely appreciated as a child/teen when it meant no more sleep for the day.) My mom and zia have beautiful voices, and my nonna, she did too!! When my zia would come from Italy she and my mom would sing songs they used to sing as teenagers in Venezuela "Cucurrucucu Paloma ..." the harmonies were so beautiful. And my nonna was always singing too.... "Arrivederci Roma..." I can still hear her to this day. But there were many genres of music in our house really. From rock to classical to opera and the beginnings of electronica, to Motown and the glorious soft rock of the 70's replete with harmonies I can't get enough of! Barbara Streisand was in constant rotation. Christmas was about Italian Christmas music, and Easter wasn't Easter without Jesus Christ Superstar. All. The. Music.

 My parent's friends, many of them, were singers and players of pianos and guitar, so often times gatherings involved the busting out of an acoustic or 2, and singing. Those are some of the best memories of my childhood. They allowed me to escape into music and forget what was actually going on, or had gone on, that I was forever on the run from. It was always music that comforted me.

I was in musicals in grade school, and performed a couple of times in the school talent show. When in high school I joined the choir, and auditioned for school plays (and won roles, too!) and worked to overcome my stage fright. I remember when I was made a 1st soprano, which wasn't a goal but was simply what I was able to do based on my vocal range that came very naturally, I was told at home, "oh, you can't be a soprano, they have to sing very high notes." My fragile little heart, already filled with doubt, confusion, and disbelief in myself, possibly due the "special attention" I'd been given by my stepfather, was a little bit crushed. But I kept singing. I was made a soloist in choir, BECAUSE I could hit all those high notes. At 17 I started auditioning for bands, but, I was too young and couldn't get into bars, so, was turned down.

Irrespective of the compliments given by those meant to help me find my way in life, the underlying theme was always "that's very sweet that you enjoy singing, you have a beautiful voice, but what are you going to do for a real job when you grow up because nothing in the arts is a viable option for anyone ever." That's paraphrased, but still very much the message I was given, over and over. Everything I love ~ singing, dancing, acting, creating and performing, was a 'sweet hobby' but nothing more. It was those messages that stayed with me through my life. In order to be a successful someone, I had to be a someone who worked a corporate job, or was a medical professional, or... fit in the box of the American dream that means money, and stuff, and a title, none of which were in the arts.

I spent my adult life chasing the dreams other's told me should be mine, with varying degrees of success. There were always 2 common themes running in the background though.... no matter how well I did my job, almost without fail, after a year or 2 at best, the company for whom I was working had a something happen which caused a reduction in work force, and I would have to find another job. Also, in an effort to be a slightly fulfilled human, I found a way to work in music on a part-time basis alongside my full-time 'real' job, which I discovered was a bit more my path than the actual performance part of things. Unfortunately for me, the voices in my head that weren't my own where still louder than the one's that were my own, and I never took the leap to work full time in music, in spite of the fact that I was connecting with brilliant people and doing amazing things in the music industry.

The first gig I went to in the UK, was in Fulham. I'd never seen a request to speak quietly at a gig before. Even an acoustic gig. Love the respect for the artists. Well done London Unplugged

And now we come to "The Space Between"

About 10 years ago an idea came to me to create a something, that was the something that would have been exactly what I needed as a child/teen whose mind and heart weren't in alignment with a world, or at least the world I was raised in, that said I had to be corporate/medical professional/in a box, Barbie. I told 2 people about the idea back then, and both, musicians themselves whose opinions I value greatly, were extremely supportive of the idea. They too saw the need for it. ... Then a series of ridiculous events led me to spend the time between then and now, not bringing this to fruition which I've since come to understand is because NOW is the time, and here is the place.

The Space Between is (in present tense on purpose) at a high level, a non-profit/social enterprise that offers various services for creatives who don't have the support, either financially, emotionally, or both, to pursue their dreams, which are really more of an undeniable NEED to create or express themselves with or be involved in, music, while also making a living in a field that doesn't crush their soul and suck their life from them. To show them a path that allows them to take care of reality while pursuing the dream, but filling the gap, the space between where exists the possibility of all possibilities, from where they are and where they want to be, with something meaningful, because starving for one's art is highly over rated. It is a resource for options that aren't just pushing through, or self-medicating for, or being medicated for, stage fright, or anxiety or depression. This is for little me of long ago, and for all of my brilliant creative friends who lost themselves along the way, either a little bit or a lot, because they believed the voices of others more than their own.

More details to come in the very near future, but for the moment; it was long past time for me to put this in a more tangible way, into the world. I don't fool myself into believing that this isn't a large undertaking, but I also know that it is a needed undertaking. It's model does not currently exist. And I somehow got lucky enough to be the one who caught this idea in her net, when one day it floated by.